i'm so sick of this entire thing.
i'm so SO fucking sick of being people's emotional punch bags.
just because my feelings are very easily seen and always swim at the surface doesn't make then a good target practice for you people with shitty aiming skills on others.
and i am the biggest idiot for still loving you.
it's good that you feel that you're not good enough for me for once. because sometimes, i believe that too. you constantly take your shit out on me, and then expect me to still love you and forgive you and comfort you when you finally start feeling bad for doing this to me. and fucking hell, you know i'll always end up being there for you. frankly, you make me so tired.
today's my mum's birthday.
i'm going to make sure that i'm happy for her.
she deserves at least that much from me.
since i've been crying on and off around her.
well, at least there's one good thing about this week.
i've forgotten to eat so many times, i've dropped two kilos.
so i've set my blog on private.
i'm learning from you, trace! :DD
it makes me feel more safe about posting shizz on here. it makes things easier... in general. there are some people that just shouldn't/i don't want to read this. because at least i know that only people who i feel comfortable reading this can see it.
makes life a whole lot simpler, don't you agree? (=
I'M GOING TO DO THIS INSTEAD OF FEELING EVEN MORE APATHETIC THAN I DO ALREADY. hahah... and i should be doing homework. fuck that. :D
- Catherine - mum told me after like...8 years that i had a middle name. like wth? but it could be worse i guess, lol. i don't mind it thaaaat much.
- Earrings only. i like them that way. :D
- DOCTOR WHO.
- I love all of them. :3
- Green, orange and purple. secondary colours on the art colour wheel! :DD
- Autumn because it's gorgeous.
- Tumblr - my life is now filled with even more procrastination. ewww. xD
- Couch Potato - my daily exercise is walking to the station and back and around school... lol.
- foreveralone. it's just too funny. xDD
- bitchy ass rabbit. such an ungrateful fat thing...
- Maroon 5, Savage Garden and Muse. LOVE THEM.
- Harry Potter changed my life. No joke.
- Mean Girls - Most quotable movie EVER.
- one 8yr old sis and one 3yr old bro. both are ridiculously cute.
- CHOCOLATE. i've decided. it IS better than sex. and i will tell you why in next blog post.
- Pocahontas counts yeah? if not, then Beauty and the Beast.
- Uggs are comfortable once they've been broken into.
- i think only nowadays do i drink more soda than milk. i used to love milk.
- T.E.N.E. :33
- yep, i wear glasses. because i have shitty eyesight.
- to study for? err.... iunno. history? at least it's interesting.
- haha, well, i used to swim a lot. :P
- Lady Gaga is just gaga.
- LES MIS 25TH ANNIVERSARY! *read the below post on the full thing*
- ...i think it was 'The Colossus" - Sylvia Plath
- London or Paris. :DD
- fave Girls names: Elizabeth, Amber, Aislinn
fave Boys names: Tristan, David, Christian
fave Pet names: Fish 1, Fish 2, and Fish 3 - oooh...i don't even think i can remember. the first proper one was probs David Tennant. :3
- I AM A GLEEK.
- alrighty... recent piccy of myself? :DD
haha, so the study skills session today has inspired me...
and i just finished typing up my own weekly timetable! =)
i've set everything out, and left plenty of rest breaks too.
because i'm the type of person who really need to relax.
this makes me feel like i might actually be ready for yr 12.
....and i'm failing, because according to my timetable...
i should be doing my assessments right about NOW. :DDD
yup. just as i thought. Les Mis 25th Concert.
generally epic!! now i shall proceed to tell you about the actors. :DD
biggest highlight:
ALFIE BOE AS VALJEAN.
HE. IS. AMAZING. LIKE ACTUALLY.
LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN.
AFDSADAD%$#455.
lea salonga as fantine was amazing, as usual.
she's just an epic epic singer, no matter what.
she made me cry again during fantine's arrest. )':
javert was passable...norm lewis.
he got better towards the end, beginning was a bit stoned.
but in terms of emotional quality, vin does it so much better.
the eponine was played by samantha barks.
a bit too pop-y for me, but she has a wonderful voice.
and she's really really pretty too. haha... xDD
enjolras, played by ramin karimloo.
hahaha, i can't get love never dies out of my mind.
every time i see ramin now, i'm like LOLPHANTOM.
don't get me wrong, his voice is amazing, but i can't help it.
cosette was so-so. she wasn't amazing, but a clear voice.
sounded a bit like a bleating sheep a few times, but yeah.
i loved her dress. the new costume is gorgeous.
the thenadiers were BRILLIANTLY HILARIOUS.
they totally made my day just by sheer awesomeness. :DD
a lot of the supporting actors were wonderful too.
the pimp was SO GOOD. ;DDDD
and now, my favourite character.
monsieur marius pontmercy.
guess what? nick jonas was shit.
he was like the dramatic equivalent of cardboard.
actually, scrap that. even cardboard beats him in interestingness.
his constant 'i am being serious and looking constipated' face was horrible.
his singing is just terrible. like the omfg sort of terrible.
i was so happy when michael ball started singing at the end.
soooo much ebtter than nick, like honestly.
all in all, AMAZING.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR HP7.
i have done nothing productive today at all.
i said i would do hw, but i lost interest before i even started.
lol, oh the life of a procrastinator.
turns out, me and family are going to gold coast in january!
omfg, finally a proper holiday going somewhere!
still, a week up in the tropics of queensland...
and oh gods, i'm going to get so tanned...
WHEEE LES MIS TOMORROW. CAN'T WAIT! :DD
REMINDER TO SELF: BRING EARMUFFFS.
IN CASE NICK JONAS IS ACTUALLY THAT SHIT.
(but in all seriousness, tristan can probs sing better than him.)
turns out we didn't have the usyd lecture tonight after all.
thank god... now i can actually finish homework...
far out, that sounds nerdy. oh well. year 12.
i am so SUPER stressed. YAY.
i need an unhealthy amount of chocolate.
and a very large dose of happy gas.
and a fuck load of non-depressing shit.
i can't even remember the things which make me happy anymore.
in all honesty, i just think and think and realise they don't do anything.
and that's really depressing me again...NO. MUST THINK POSITIVELY.
maybe i should go read something like twilight and laugh my head off.
and god, isn't so sad when a person who depends on others to get her through the day gets so fucking sick of hanging around people in general? but seriously though, i really just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate until end of hsc.
---
i wish people would mind their own business.
i am really starting to get very annoyed.
especially when i don't see any point in them knowing.
if it doesn't concern you, then stay out of it.
if it doesn't need to be known, then don't pester me for answers.
if i don't want to tell you, then i don't want to tell you.
bloody hell, i'm so frustrated right now.
hands up for the creation of voodoo dolls?
---
i've decided that i really need to go to sleep earlier on tuesdays. i get on the train at 6:40 to get to school for choir, and i get home at 8:30 after coaching. that's freaking like... what? almost 14 hours away from my bed. it makes me saaaaad! ):
tuesdays are horribly tiring. and mondays are just like... horribly boring. wowee. what a timetables, sheesh. and now, my wednesdays and thursdays are pretty much full as well. and now i'm just so tired... screw homework tonight, i'll do it tomorrow. =\
...OH WAIT, I CAN'T. FFFFFFFFFFF. stupid lecture at usyd at like 7:30pm. farrrout. hate hate hate! eurgh...
hahahaha, fuck i'm an emo kid. maybe those nsbs are right, i should totally liven up. but iunno. stupid things in life just haven't been going great in general. year 12 stress already kicking in (like what the eff?) and general problems with love and friends and shit.
SOOOOOOO, LIVEN THE FUCK UP. 8DD.
THAT'S A GOOD ADVICE, ISN'T IT? LOL.
there are some nights when i just feel shit for no reason at all. and tonight is one of those nights. i have no motivation to do anything at all. i'm literally on the verge of tears every ten minutes. and i'm not even pmsing. i don't understand. someone explain this to me. am i just retarded or what? or is this normal?
Day Eight: three words you can’t go a day without using.- i
- love
- you
(actually, i'm serious. i promised to say that every day.)
Day Nine: two things you wish you could do.- i wish i could become a professional singer. but that's unlikely to ever happen.
- i wish i could fast forward time so i can get year 12 + hsc over and done with.
Day Ten: one person you can trust.- tristan.
man. is that too sad? don't answer that. i know it is.
but just for the record, i trust a whole load of other people too.
Day Six: five things you can’t live without.- food/water. quite obvious.
- oxygen. because er, duh?
- my computer. i love my computer.
- books. they are like, secondary food source.
- my teddy bear.
Day Seven: four memories you won’t forget.- first time i saw tristan:
at the wiz musical, first performance on the friday night. me sitting in the 4th row, next to aisle. i remember looking into the orchestra pit and seeing a violinist and thinking "man, that guy has a lot of hair." later on during the night, during the tin man's song, the head of the axe flew off the handle and landed on that violinist's head. still makes me laugh to remember it. :D
- breaking my leg:
year three. sitting on my roof after i grabbed the ladder from my garage. climbed up to the top with my binoculars to look at the stars and moon. my mum then called from inside the house. me, trying to get back to the ladder, slipped and fell off. haha, i was such a smart smart kid. xDD
- "i think i love you."
st leonards park. it was getting dark. we walked up from coffee shop. he said that phrase, and i stood there with my mouth open gaping like an idiot for almost a minute. and then literally the next thing that comes out of my mouth is: "i look like a fish, don't i?"
- first date:
it was terrifying. spent half the time asking questions, the other half listening, and all the while in my mind was the phrase ' don't do anything stupid PLEASE' over and over again.
funny how most involve tristan. hmm. xDD
school started. mondays are like EMPTY.
omfg year 10. kill me now please, someone...
Day Five: six songs i'm addicted to. (YAY!)- Mad World - Gary Jules/Michael Andrews
- Drumming Song - Florence + the Machine
- I Belong to You - Muse
- Misery - Maroon 5
- Love The Way You Lie - Eminem & Rihanna
- Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - Panic! at the Disco
---
went out with family today to oxford street.
while sis and bro went with dad to centennial park, me and mum went shopping. YAY!
brought a really awesome aqua nail polish.
and a formal dress (hot pink, almost full length) for $5! bargain! :DD
annnd an orange argyle cardigan(think rachel berry style). SO AWESOME.
then we went to double bay's french riviera and had a massive bowl of ice cream.
sooo good, i'm telling you. i love gelato.
annnnnnnnnd fuck it's school tomorrow. ==;
Day Four: seven fears/phobias- Acrophobia: fear of heights.
i used to be so scared i couldn't even go on a swing or lean over my balcony. it's not quite so bad now, but still bad enough for me to feel nauseous walking across a bridge. - Coulrophobia: fear of clowns.
i have a fear of clowns, but not really the live ones. wooden dolls dressed and painted like clowns, plastic clown decorations though scared the freak out of me. really. we used to have a very pretty but creepy clown doll in my bathroom, and after a week of torture, i actually had to get my mum to get rid of it. - Cleisiophobia: fear of being locked in a enclosed place.
while this isn't as bad as the other two, it's still not fun. i was locked inside a tiny closet once back in china for an hour. not good. not good at all. - fear of losing the people i love.
- fear of being abandoned by everyone.
- fear of not being good enough.
- fear of falling out of love.
because it's 12:41am and i have nothing better to do.
i'll do two of these. and i'll do another later today. ;D
Day Two: nine things you do everyday.- brush teeth.
- shower.
- brush hair.
- go on the net.
- eat food.
- drink liquid.
- blink.
- breathe.
- say the words 'i love you'.
Day Three: eight things that annoy you.
- people that spit in public. it's just gross, no matter what.
- people acting like they're better than me when they're not.
- getting my period generally annoys me. except for once.
- oily hair annoys me to no end. it feel absolutely disgusting.
- mismatching buttons and socks. just...GAAAH *rips off*
- rude people. like some adults on public transport. f*ck you.
- people constantly needing to know what's happening in my life.
- when i'm pmsing, EVERYTHING annoys me. except chocolate.
just finished watching 'the parent trap' and 'maid in manhattan'.
i love lindsay lohan in that movie, she was so good when she was young. and it was so adorable, the entire thing. i forgot how much i loved it.
mim was terrific too! and ralph fiennes is such a hunk...*drool* god, why couldn't he keep his nose for voldemort, huh? such a hottie, LOL.
Day One: Ten random facts about yourself.
Day Two: Nine things you do everyday.
Day Three: Eight things that annoy you.
Day Four: Seven fears/phobias.
Day Five: Six songs that you’re addicted to.
Day Six: Five things you can’t live without.
Day Seven: Four memories you won’t forget.
Day Eight: Three words you can’t go a day without using.
Day Nine: Two things you wish you could do.
Day Ten: One person you can trust.
---
Day One: ten things about me that you may or may no know.
- the only thing i order from gloria jeans is original small ice chocolate with whipped cream.
- ...unless i'm in a really good mood or high mood, then i'll order either mango chiller or cookies and cream. ;D
- i love mangoes.
- i don't like mango pudding though.
- i have a really low pain tolerance and a high gag reflex (which is why doctor and dentist visits are hell).
- i cry very easily. as in sad movies, i brawl like a baby. sad books, sad tv shows, sad stories. i cry easily in real life situations too, like overreacting to small things and etc.
- i daydream. a lot a lot. sometimes i just sit in the park in my suburb and just think about things/scenarios/situations that will never happen for hours literally. it's fun. xD
- i fall in love with book characters veeery easily. they're so easy to fall for though, so you can't blame me. :DD
- i love lame jokes. what's brown and sticky? A STICK. 8DDDD
- i have a bad habit of chewing my nails. xD
| (10:09 PM) Cosette: | Do you have any idea how much I absolutely love you? |
|---|
| (10:09 PM) MARIUS =): | Possibly =) |
|---|
| (10:10 PM) Cosette: | Well, just in case, I love you more than everything on this planet. |
|---|
| (10:10 PM) MARIUS =): | I love you more. |
|---|
| (10:10 PM) Cosette: | That's not possible. Because I love you the most. |
|---|
| (10:11 PM) MARIUS =): | Nah - uhh |
|---|
| (10:11 PM) Cosette: | Yah-huh. |
|---|
| (10:12 PM) MARIUS =): | Nah-uhh |
|---|
| (10:12 PM) MARIUS =): | This isn't a proper arguement,
it's just contradiction. |
|---|
| (10:13 PM) Cosette: | Either way.
I still love you more. |
|---|
| (10:13 PM) MARIUS =): | An arguement is a series of organised statements intended to bring down the
opponents case, not the automatic game-saying of anything the other person
says. And no you don't. |
|---|
| (10:14 PM) Cosette: | ...That's mean. xP |
|---|
| (10:14 PM) MARIUS =): | No it's not.
It's a simple fact. |
|---|
| (10:15 PM) MARIUS =): | You couldn't possibly love me more, because my love for you is infinite.
Undefined. Without limit. Unconditional. Undying. Awesome. |
|---|
| (10:16 PM) Cosette: | And how do you know that I can't love you more? |
|---|
| (10:17 PM) MARIUS =): | It all comes down to mathematics.
You remember that equation? |
|---|
| (10:17 PM) MARIUS =): | Letting y be my love and x be you-ness, |
|---|
| (10:18 PM) MARIUS =): | The limit of the function as x approaches infinity is also infinite. |
|---|
| (10:19 PM) MARIUS =): | f(x ) = some exponetial equation with a ridiculously large gradient. |
|---|
| (10:20 PM) MARIUS =): | I tried to work out how anything could possibly be greater than my love for
you, Calculator just said maths error and exploded. |
|---|
|
|
|---|
tell me i don't have the most ridiculous, awesome, sweet, nerdy, lame boy as a boyfriend. -sigh-
(aren't little kids so cute? ;D)
just watched glee episode three, and it got me thinking about god and religion in general. now, i know some people who read this are religious, and just saying i'm not targeting religion, just stating my beliefs and stuff. you're welcome to completely disagree with me, that's fine. your belief, your choice. as long as you don't walk up to me and start ranting about how i will go to hell and i must be saved, i'm fine with whatever.
so let me just get this straight first: i do not believe that there is a god. if there was a god for every religion there is on earth, then no one will end up in heaven, because nobody believes in that many gods. unless you're like, buddhist or something, then you're free to practice any religion as well as buddhism. this alone makes me dubious about the presence of a god. i mean, if there was just one god up there, then his love should be unconditional. so no matter if you believe in him or not, he will still love you. otherwise, that's not unconditional.
okay, now i know i've never been a science nerd or whatever, but i'm incredibly into astronomy
and paleontology and the origin of life on earth. and because i'm so into these, i find it very hard to put aside my beliefs in science for religion, as i brought up mainly-atheist-half-buddhist-but-not-really. this is where my beliefs clash a little - i love fantasy. the possibility that magic exists like in harry potter or wheel of time are just so interesting for me. so i read books and i daydream and everything. but in the real world, i like everything i believe in to have the so called 'proof'. and anything which can't bring that substantial proof, i can't bring myself to believe it.
quoted from the glee episode:
mercedes:
but kurt, how do you know for sure? you can't prove that there is no god.
kurt:
you can't prove that isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
i guess i vaguely agree with this. i guess what i'm really saying is i'll believe god when i know for sure that there is one.
sometimes, i do envy people who are religious and believe in a god. they always have that comfort, you know? like 'knowing' that god is there. whereas me, i don't have that comfort. i know that there isn't really anyone who will help me when i screw things up big time, or to say 'i forgive you' and things. and i feel sad sometimes because i'm the one who is denying myself this
but no matter what i believe or don't believe, the one thing i am happy about religion is that it can bring out the best in people. like all of the girls who are in iscf at school. you're all so amazingly wonderful and nice. i mean, look at all the people who've turned to god because someone's kindness gave them another chance at life? and while religion doesn't make exceptions for some mattes, for other matters it is extremely tolerant and forgiving. and i guess it's just because i spent most of that episode crying which made me want to write this. i apologise to people who believe in god. to each their own.
Labels: rants and shit.
it is 12:33am.
just finished watching love actually.
what is wrong with me lol?
i'll tell you what's wrong with me.
i can't stop watching sappy films once i start.
and now i'm all lovey dovey and sappily worked up.
god, i love seeing people in love. really. i do.
there's nothing better than seeing a happy couple.
i thought maybe i should start a list, in case i forget i've read something or iunno.
this way, i can keep track of how many books i've read and yeah. :D
all of these books are brilliant btw, and i totally recommend you guys read them. :D
- Will Grayson, Will Grayson - John Green & David Levithan
really quite a good book. about two boys both names will grayson, who meet each other in a porn store. got your attention yet? hehe... david levithan however, writes in non-caps. so half the book is in small letters. so people who are grammar nazis miiiight want to stay away in case your eyes start burning.
- House Rules - Jodi Picoult
story of a boy who suffers from aspergers syndrome. he's obsessed with criminal cases, and when his tutor is killed, he becomes the main suspect. quite a good read, but the ending did not satisfy me. ):
- The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
esther greenwood's story about how she goes through life trying to deal with her depression. so yes, i finally finished it after like a month of reading a chapter, putting it away feeling ten times more depressed than i had beginning to read it. but it is truly well written.
- Deadly Little Touch - Laurie Faria Stolarz
about a girl who gets saved by a boy. he then disappears, but comes to her school a few months later with the rumour following him that he killed his girlfriend. it's quite good, but a bit clichéd teenager novel stuff. ;D
- Paper Towns - John Green
brilliant book. a paper town is a fictional town in which map makers used to put on their maps so if anyone copied their maps, they could track them town. just read the book to find out more.
- Nineteen Minutes - Jodi Picoult
think of the shootings at columbine. it's like that. a boy finally had enough and cracks, takes a gun to school, and the story goes from there.
- Borrowed Light - Anna Fienberg
written in a very poetic style. a girl finds out she's pregnant, and wonders how she'll deal with it. i love all the space reference in there.
- Looking for Alaska - John Green
best book like ever. could you tell i like john green's stuff? he is amazing. really. just read. no seriously. READ THIS BOOK.
- Stolen - Lucy Christopher
a girl called gemma is kidnapped by a guy named ty and taken to the australian outback. this book is also really good. just finished it. so good. so so good.
- The Pact - Jodi Picoult
and i love jodi picoult's stuff. she's is an awesome writer. the story about how two teenagers are found next to a carousel, one with a gun shot in her head. the boy says it was a botched double suicide, but it's not all as it seems.
Labels: Books I've Read
sleep over at bree's house yesterday.
it was so freaking awesome. ;DD
like, those typical sappy rom-com sleepovers.
with food and crying and highs and etc. :DD
we spazzed so much on facebook, LOL.
that was actually ridiculous.
and watch you've got mail. meg ryan and tom hanks!! *squee*
and then watched hbp~ hahaha loooooveee SNAPE.
and then sleepless in seattle.
i seriously cannot stress how much i love that film.
i will never get sick of watching it. it is perfect.
they just don't make good rom-coms anymore.
and meg ryan and tom hanks (again) are so perfect together!
i started crying in random places throughout the movie.
IT'S SO PERFECT. *sniffs*
so so so fun. :DD
now i'm playing restuarant city.
kill me. T.T
