i don't know how many of you guys are sick of me talking about this by now, but i can bet it's more than 90% of you. and i apologise, sorry guys. but you know what?
i think i've just realised why it
sucks so freaking much to fall in love with someone at our age. because it hurts. it really does. and i'm not trying to be melodramatic here. you know why? because nothing is certain. you have no idea what you're going to do beyond the next two weeks. sure, you get some people who have dead set goals and kill themselves trying to reach them, but in the end, they still have no idea if they are every going to reach those goals. you have no idea if the person you fall in love with will be in your life in the future. and right now, you physically
can't picture your future without them in it. even considering that possibility will send you off the edge.
sometimes, they can't be there when you really honest to god just need them to be. sure, everyone says things like 'if he truly loved you, he'd drop everything to be with you at any second'. but we're teenagers. we live with our parents who set the ground rules. no one can actually do that unless they live by themselves and only answer to themselves. sometimes, you don't even see them for a week. an entire week. i don't know about you guys, but i have trouble lasting three days. and all the days in between when they're not there, when they can't help you, when they don't know if you've cried or not (and you don't tell them, because you don't want to seem like you want attention) just hurts so bad.
then we have to deal with adults who roll their eyes and tell us just because we're teenagers, we don't really know what love feels like. and we have to sit through them lecturing us about how we have our entire life ahead of us, filled with new people, and don't pick until you're sure you got the best fish in the sea. but see, what about everyone who's in love? how can everyone get the best fish in the sea? it's not possible. telling us to not take it too seriously because chances are, you won't last past six months.
and then there's the possibility that the person who your entire life has been orbiting around doesn't hold you in the same place. oh wait, not even going to consider that idea. and i think i'll just shut up before i make another mess in my room from driving myself crazy thinking about this stuff...
Labels: rants and shit.
talking to ri and rain about primary stuff...i only have vague memories of what happened in primary school. i went to three schools, middle harbour, west ryde, and ermington. i'll see what i can remember, since i feel like blogging but i don't know what about. :D
middle harbour:
- walking to school with my dad. streets are incredibly neat, and no asian in sight. ;D
- biting a boy on his shoulder after he kicked my friend. sitting in the corner for literally the whole day. mum picked up from school, and at first, she seemed really angry, but as soon as we walked out of the gates, she cracked up and laughed at me the whole trip home.
- book week, dressed up as a fairy. :DD
- year 1 teacher first reading my harry potter + philosopher stone.
- getting teased by being called 'ja ja binks'.
west ryde:
- getting my pen licence. :DD
- playing kung fu kim with jh next to me. best times, i swear.
- getting hit in the face with a soccer ball that someone kicked. vaguely remember screaming at them, and them pointing at my nose. finally realised it was bleeding after five minutes of yelling in pain. :D
- running around under the massive jacaranda tree with my hat held before me, trying to catch falling flowers. i was a cool cool kid. hahaha.
- first crush. LOOOOOOL. he could sing. ;D
ermington:
- haha, being ostracised by the rest of my class in OC because sandra hated me. that was fun. lol. not really, but oh well. and since OC kids were hated by the rest of the school, it was good good times for me.
- actually getting people to like me again after half a year in loner mode.
- playing cards with girls during lunch.
- sitting in class, two boys told me to search up 'dildo' in a dictionary. geez, mature.
- dancing heel and toe/chicken dance/macarena at year 6 grad. ;D
primary school was good in it's way i guess. i mean, i didn't have to worry about whether boys liked me or not, didn't have to stress about so many assignments, didn't have to worry about how i looked, and all that jazz. high school is so much more stressful. in every single aspect.
my day went as follows:
woke up at 12:30pm. felt so good.
ate lunch and got on computer.
went outside and brought canvas.
got home and painted the above.
ate dinner and blogged (now).
life feels so good. :DDD
teachers i will buy presents for and write letters to by the time i graduate from high school:
- Mr. Short. (shag)
no reasons needed. he is god. well, no, Mr. Jones was, but he is close to god. xDD
and he's got the most charming voice i've heard on anyone in real life.
and he's smart and the best english teacher like, EVER.
- Ms. Profilio. (hug)
okay okay, i can't not give her something... i will have had her for six years by year 12.
so that's my entire high school life with her as a teacher every year.
and she's nice, and a good teacher. just at times very mean. D:
- Mr. Boland. (fist bump)
4 years teaching me in a row, haha, we've both drove each other insane.
he's just awesomely cool. lax. nice. i'll get him something ART related. xDD
- Mr. Madgwick. (marry)
i don't care if i only had him this year, and i'm having him again next year.
he is so unbelievably nice, it's just mind blowing. and he feeds us.
like, a lot of food. like our history party today, he fed all of us.
and he always brings snacks and lollies, and he's got the cutest kid ever!!
- Ms. Cleghorn. (big hug)
for putting up with me every single year in pretty much every single choir.
and she's just so awesome, and fun and funky, and nice. xDD
and for being so supportive of me in the musical~
- Ms. Kumarich. (super hug)
i can't believe she's leaving this year!! DD:
i'll have to get her present super early, but it's okay. best. science. teacher. EVER.
like EVER EVER EVER. i've learnt so much off her, she's just insanely brilliant.
no seriously, fuck my life so hard. i literally cannot believe i could've lost it. i'm am actually devastated. stupid stupid stupid idiot! yeah, the same one that trist gave me. and it's not extremely expensive, but gods, i loved that ring. and if anyone sees it tomorrow, PLEASE tell me, i am so desperate to get it back it's not funny.
three words: SO MUCH FUN!!
thursday was brilliant!!
so it started off going on english excursion to watch 'The Trial'.
it was really good... just incredibly confusing and highly disturbing.
i wasn't really disturbed by the sexual parts so much...
it was the way that people were treated during the play.
which sometimes actually made me want to throw up.
and i walked out with a headache because it was so confusing.
but it was really good.
after school, took the bus to em's house.
everyone got read really fast actually, haha.
i was really =\ because my dress seemed so formal.
full length and whatnot. but oh well.
after that, ems dad drove us to the city.
the boat was pretty! :3
and everyone was so pretty too, gaah.
i love formals. all the girls look amazing.
i still maintain that it's the only time you'll see guys in tuxedos.
and guys look GOOD in tuxedos.
haha, spent the night dancing, drinking soda and punch stuff, and dancing.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN~!!
however, got a massive stomach ache after the formal. )=
...and it just didn't go away. so painful....
i woke up the next day with rain next to me (she slept over at my house)
and gaah, it was so bad. didn't go to school. )=
woke up at 3pm, and finished vd essay due at 5pm.
then did nothing. looooool.
called trist after school, talked for a while.
then did nothing again. hahaha...
he called me again at 9:30, and talked for half an hour.
alex called me after that (lol, i'm so popular...NOT)
talked from 10pm until 1am. LOL.
three hours of just random talk about boys and whatnot. ;D
man, he's so adorable. :3
but yeah... now i have to do history essay. T.T
i still maintain that male torsos which are no covered in massive six packs are sexy.
like the above photo demonstrates.
and yeah, oh my god, someone kill me.
three more assignments due.
like what is this?? stupid stupid stupid!!
eurgh, and i was looking forward to having a break...)=
hmm, rambling time dearies. don't read if you don't like copious amounts of offensive language or insults or crudeness or just plain what the fuckness.
i think this is my PMS mood again, i really hate being a girl sometimes, you know what i mean? how is it god damn fair that we females have to give birth and suffer/put up with blood leaking like a faucet from our vagina periodically? i mean, mother nature is a bloody bitch sometimes, isn't she? males have it easy. it doesn't hurt for them to fuck someone for the first time. yet a for a girl, most of the time if it's their first, it'll hurt. a lot. y'know, not that the male species would ever care.
and contraception, big joke. males think it's unnecessary. yeah, big deal for them. they're not the ones that's gonna being lugging around an alien like creature for nine months before it comes out and finally starts to resemble a human being instead of a weird fish/amphibian placenta. all they think about is their libido. so guess what girls? no matter how much a guy says he loves you, he'll always love his dick more. isn't that just gay? stupid stupid stupid. sometimes i wish i was fucking (a) lesbian, i swear.
and then you get people who take their shit out on my writing. i really detest those people. okay, yeah. my writing's fucking crap. because yours is just SOOOO much better, you think you have the complete right to bag me out about how boring or uncreative my pieces are. well guess what? at least i'm not stuffed so full of shit that that's the only thing that can come out of my mouth.
to the people who bitch and moan about love: shut the fuck up and man up. yes, even you girls out there. stop whining about how love is so pointless and stupid, and only idiots let themselves fall in love. because guess what? it's not stupid. it's certainly not pointless, and if everyone who's in love are idiots, then our country is run by an idiot, america's run by a bigger idiot, and the only reason you're alive is because of, oh my god, guess what?! yeah. your parents were fucking idiots (literally.)
and now i'm god damn contradicting myself...
fuck, i need chocolate.
Labels: rants and shit.
haha, i have to ditto trace's sentiments on yesterday's shopping trip.
BEST DAY EVER! so much fun! whee~! :DDD
haha, i just re-recount it, because i'm bored, loool.
waited for trace to catch my train in the morning.
she almost missed me sitting in the top carriage...
because, you know. i'm just that unrecognizable. :P
and it was PAUL and Scott sitting, there, not Rowan.
if it was Rowan, he would've spent the entire train trip being mean.
or making fun of my outfit or something along those lines.
because he's a douchebag like that. :D
(but a very cute douchebag nonetheless, heh...)
(well, cute when he still had HAIR.)
i can't believe we actually caught bus back to school man.
sooooo lame. and i wasted my return ticket to city, lol.
and em and suvarna didn't even show up. annoying...
but yeah, georgie is awesomely adorkable, hehe. :DD
so took bus to city, and walked from wynyard to town hall.
i took random photos of things, lol... like a guy on skateboard.
and we went to diva, then the massive supré store.
trace didn't like supré stuff, so we left after one minute, lol.
we then walked in central direction.
i brought a pair of really nice vintage shorts at SES.
$5, SO happy! yaaaay! :DD
walked down to the karaoke place next to china town.
it was too expensive, so we ditched that and went to market city.
there was a typo store there too! i really wanted a notebook...
but it was $7 and i decided to reconsider.
since i can get it from the nsyd one anyway. :3
we went to find other stores, and omg, that alcove!
cotton on, supré clearance, jay jays, smiggle.
we did a whole trip around, and that took like an hour, lol.
i wanted a pair of sunnies from cotton on...but decided against it.
just as well, since i found a really nice brown dress from supré.
haha, once again, $5, wheee! trace got a really nice blue shirt as well.
reminds me of emma's shirts in glee. it suits her. :3
and AHHAHAHAHA. PEPPER LUNCH WAS AWESOME.
like always. I TOLD YOU TRACE. HEHEHE.
went to karaoke at strat afterwards. my voice officially died, lol.
screaming out girlfriend. lol... and 99 for 'baby'. chyeaaah!
after, we took train randomly to parra. trace wanted to see rusies, LOL.
we didn't find any, so we just took the train back, taking photos along the way.
she took it with me up to epping, and came back down again.
ahh, best day in a while i swear. who'd knew shopping was fun? :3
---
spent the whole day today with trist.
i cannot stress how much i fucking love that boy.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFYEAH, EXAMS ARE OVER!!!
now, shopping tomorrow, and then fun times on friday. ;D
...and then it's knuckle down and finish art. eurgh...
how disgusting. but that's okay, because EXAMS ARE OVER.
i'm not even gonna worry about how shitty i did until results come.
right now, i'm too happyyyy too care, eheheheheheheh. 8DDD
because i ceebs waiting another day to finish this. :3
so here we go, without further ado:
Day Nine: 2 smileys that describe my life right now...
- :D
- >:(
LOL, i'm so original. but no, seriously. that is currently me.
---
Day Ten: one confession
oh dear. hmm... one confession. what is my confession? i'm trying to decide if i should make this mundane, or really deep and meaningful, etc. okay, i'll do one each then.
mundane confession:
i cannot ride a bike. i've never learnt how to, and i fail because i ceebs learning, even now.
one day, this will be very detrimental to something, i'm sure of it. but oh well.
non-mundane confession(s):
iunno. this doesn't feel like a confession, more like statements.
- i'm extremely selfish.
even though i try not to be. i don't mind being unselfish with things which i don't have a huge value on. but i don't like sharing things that i love more than anything else in the world. and if anyone even tries to ask me to, i'll will be very pissed off. - i'm a hypocrite, and really bitchy as well.
i say i hate backstabbers, but i'm one myself. so go figure.
i bitch about people. it's a fact. i'm not a saint. - i don't classify the length of friendship to be important.
so i don't have a 'best friend' who i've been with since year 2 or whatever.
it's only who i like the most at a certain time.
so if someone goes up to me and rages at me for picking one friend over another, and one of the reasons that they give me is 'i've been your friend longer!', then you can guarantee that i will automatically choose the other person over them.
knowing me longer does not give you automatic rights to me whenever.
that's right, baby. ;D
slytherin's do it better.
Day Seven: four turn offs (i'm going to assume for a male partner)- bad breath/hygiene.
it's just gross, seriously, if you stink...
and it's scientifically proven to repel females. because duh. :D - being too clingy.
it's okay generally, i can take a little bit of clingyness, you know? it's kinda cute.
but it goes overboard when you have to know exactly where i am at every single second of the day, refuse to let me speak to other guys, refuse to let me go anywhere unless you're there too, that whole shebang. that's just plain creepy. like edward cullen. - rudeness/vulgarity.
because i don't want to be walking next to someone who speaks like this:
"oh yeah brah! she's like such a fucking stupid cunt..." and etc.
- arrogance.
actually, this is for anyone, not just a male partner.
acting like you're better than me, or even small remarks which are like casual put downs.
it seriously makes me want to punch your face in.
---
Day Eight: three turn ons
- really nice eyes.
especially green/blue ones. i just die. hehe... ;D - good hugs.
there are some people who give really nice hugs. like, whole body hugs.
and i hate being hugged by someone who i feel like they really don't want to be doing that. like, awkward hugs, those that just hug with arms, and etc. - nice voice.
there are people with nice voices. soothing, and low pitched. they're good to listen to.
and then, there are some people who has a certain type of voice which just honestly makes me want to sew their lips together. i am definitely not naming any names, but you guys know what i'm talking about.
high pitched, shrilly, nasal, annoying, GAAAH. -stab-
Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time.
what five words do you see first?
mine are: suicide, maniac, kiss, rage and malice.
O_O... geez, that's cheerful, ain't it? :D
Day Six: five people who mean a lot to me (in no particular order)- trace.
because she is awesomely amazing and smart (even though she keeps denying it) and really really pretty (truth) and totally fun to be around. she understands how i'm feeling sometimes, and it's a good feeling not having to fully explain myself to her for everything. and because she laughs at my lame shitty jokes. :DD
- rain.
because she's my sunshine and rain cloud. :)
haha, okay, bad puns over. she's brilliant. super smart as well, draws and writes really awesome stuff that if they got published i would totally buy every single book, pretty (seriously) and is not afraid to speak her mind. massive admiration points here. :3
- allie.
aka: alissimo, young cheung, great retard, a leech, eh?...and the list goes on.
for being so ridiculous and silly its ridiculous. hehe...
but this girl is freaking just...amazing. yah.
for saying things like 'i'm not cooked for you, i'm only lightly steamed!' xD
- bree.
even though i've only known her for a little while, she's just wonderful.
funny, lame, weird, and totally insane. :D
gets what i'm talking about... mostly. cheese face. hehe....
- tristan.
lol. what can i say? he's insane. like...good insane. weird insane. perfect insane.
i don't know what else to say. he fences, plays violin, sings, dances (only ballroom/latin though), likes pride and prejudice, is funny, stupid, lame, ridiculous (scrolling iTouch with his tongue, anyone?), gay, wonderful, idiotic, nerdy, and the rest of the dictionary.
---
don't worry, these are just the first five people that came into my head.
if you're not here, it's not because i'm slighting you in any way.
i love all of you! ♥
fuck my life. i screwed up maths so fucking badly.
lol, i fail fail fail fail faaaaaaailed. like actually.
not just asian fail, but like, failed failed.
so here is another update. :3
Day Five: six things i wish i had never done
i feel like i might be cheating for this one, but there isn't much that i wish i hadn't done. i know i've made mistakes in the past and hurt people, but if i've never made them, then i wouldn't have learnt not to make them happen again. life means having to deal with regrets, because it means you've learnt something along the way. so, i don't think there is anything that i really wish that i hadn't done.
